time

I never realized, before having a baby, how much I took for granted being able to take my time in the shower or eat whenever I wanted. My whole life now is dictated by what Jasper needs. It is such a luxury when Tim comes home and can take care of Jasper and I can go check my email or write my blog, or take a shower and be able to take my time and not have to worry about what's happening with Jasper. During the day when it's just me and him, I have to rush everytime I go to the bathroom and I have to time my meals around when Jasper is sleeping and I can put him down somewhere.

I've started reading a book called "what mother's do, especially when it looks like nothing" and I haven't gotten far because I don't have much time to read! but from what I did read, I enjoyed it. It talks about how mother's spend their day and how we are "continuously interruptable". No matter what we're doing, we drop it if the baby needs us. Which means I end up feeling like I haven't been able to do anything for myself because it is always put on hold. I had been having some issues with not feeling like I was doing anything...there was no checklist to say what I had accomplished at the end of each day and I talked with my sister about it and she recommended this book. It helped to reassure me that raising a child is plenty! it's the hardest job there is and being able to finish the day with a happy baby is the greatest accomplishment! (yes Ashia, I copied this from the email I sent you!)

the other thing that's on my mind is the idea of going back to work. I really don't feel like I'm ready to go back to work. I don't want to be away from Jasper and I can't imagine having anyone else looking after him. Trouble is we can't afford for me to not work any more. I had saved up money to cover me during my "maternity leave" but money doesn't go as far as I had hoped. Going back to work means paying for daycare and it almost seems pointless because my income will mostly just go to paying daycare and we'd have very little extra money and I would really prefer to be the one caring for my son. I want to find a way to pay my rent and be able to be home to raise Jasper. It all seems so backwards and it's stressing me out a little.

Good thing I keep getting big smiles from Jasper and that makes everything worthwhile...